25 July, 2006
Lesson #7- Drinking
Always have a drink in hand. I’m talking mixed drink long-island-martini-gin-tonic-whiskey style. It should always be your second or third drink, leaving the first drink to be consumed before you arrive at the event, and if the first is not consumed, it ought to be thrown on the waiter that brought it. It doesn’t matter why, they’ll bring you another, which we’ll count as your second. You are never allowed to be sloppy drunk until you have retired; this is the benefit of the elderly.
Preferable drinks for men: Scotch, Bourbon, Martinis, Wine. Beer is only allowed on several conditions. 1. It must be imported. 2. It must be in a new glass, drinking from can or bottle is unacceptable. 3. It must be a small brand. The beer must be from a story of your travels, Heineken and Guinness are good examples of what not to drink.
Preferable drinks for women: Wine, Martinis, Margaritas (only in right climate-zone), Long-Island Iced Tea, Vodka Tonic, Gin Tonic. Wine coolers are strictly banned for a lack of class, and if ANY person ever orders a White Zinfandel, they should be shot on site. Of course, there are other drinks people may consume, such as the Mojito, or an Amaretto Sour, but these are usually reserved for occasions, which are excused.
If a female has any of the drinks listed for men, she is 1. Confused (sexually) 2. The owner of a dead palate 3. Hammered, which means she must be retired.