26 July, 2006

Lesson #8- Airplanes

Don’t act surprised drinks are free in first class.
Wear grey to avoid noticeable stains that may occur in-flight.
Make sure to buy a reputable magazine/newspaper preflight to loudly ruffle, annoying the person next to you. NY Times, WS Journal, The Economist will all do nicely. If a conversation is sparked with a fellow passenger, make sure you reference trips to other exotic places every chance you get. Speak to them like they’ve never traveled or been in a plane before. If they haven’t tell them about all the things that can possible go wrong in the plane, resulting in disaster. Send drinks back to the stewardesses or “flight attendants” often, and treat them like they are waitresses in an all-night rest stop diner on the outskirts of Mobile, AL.

Wait, this may be a post about how to be an asshole while traveling. Oh well, learn it well and use it anyway.

25 July, 2006

Lesson #7- Drinking

Always have a drink in hand. I’m talking mixed drink long-island-martini-gin-tonic-whiskey style. It should always be your second or third drink, leaving the first drink to be consumed before you arrive at the event, and if the first is not consumed, it ought to be thrown on the waiter that brought it. It doesn’t matter why, they’ll bring you another, which we’ll count as your second. You are never allowed to be sloppy drunk until you have retired; this is the benefit of the elderly.
Preferable drinks for men: Scotch, Bourbon, Martinis, Wine. Beer is only allowed on several conditions. 1. It must be imported. 2. It must be in a new glass, drinking from can or bottle is unacceptable. 3. It must be a small brand. The beer must be from a story of your travels, Heineken and Guinness are good examples of what not to drink.
Preferable drinks for women: Wine, Martinis, Margaritas (only in right climate-zone), Long-Island Iced Tea, Vodka Tonic, Gin Tonic. Wine coolers are strictly banned for a lack of class, and if ANY person ever orders a White Zinfandel, they should be shot on site. Of course, there are other drinks people may consume, such as the Mojito, or an Amaretto Sour, but these are usually reserved for occasions, which are excused.
If a female has any of the drinks listed for men, she is 1. Confused (sexually) 2. The owner of a dead palate 3. Hammered, which means she must be retired.

24 July, 2006

Lesson #6- Sporting: Part 1

Choosing which sport to indulge in can be very difficult. There are so many which require a certain amount of respectability to be able to participate. Polo, for instance must be played on horseback, and certainly not in a pool dirtied by your cousin's urine and that old guy who sits in the corner constantly applying SPF 65 to his leathery skin. Fencing ought to be considered in the top tiers of respectable sporting, given the historical amount of mustachioed fencers, and it is a lot, trust me. I myself have dabbled in fencing for several years and I am quite handy with an epee. Now that we are on the subject, there are 3 types of blades in fencing.
-Foil -– Usually has an ornate handle that is held like a pistol, called the pistol grip. A French grip is often just a straight handle under the bell guard. With the foil, the hit zone is the mid-body, with everything above the waist and below the neck, excluding arms.
-Epee -– The epee has a hit zone of every spot on the body, including the back, and the head. This is one reason it is my favourite. The epee is slightly more flexible of a blade, which can allow for whipping the tip upon an opponents hand over and under the bell guard.
-Sabre -– The sabre would be my least favorite and efficient mode of fencing. The hit zone includes everything above the waist. I dislike this weapon because of the style of attack. The sabre is a curved weapon, which is not conducive to thrust-stab, attacks like the foil and epee. With the sabre, slashing and cutting motions are preferred, creating entirely different styles of defense.

21 July, 2006

Lesson #5- Suspenders

These wonderful ladies hold your pants up while you complain about Boss Tweed or the Union Leader breathing down your neck, all while you escape the constricting confines of the leather belt strap. Imagine the belt, always forcing you to think horizontally. With suspenders, you create a vertical view, trying to keep your pants UP rather than TAUT.

Remember how much you hate the cummerbund? Those ugly weird pleated midriff belts were made for tuxedos WITHOUT suspenders. You can't wear both. It's suspenders or a broad black sash draped 'cross your naval section. Choose wisely. But let me inform you upon this fact. Cummerbunds were invented by a cockney. Those east-enders from the St. Mary-le-Bow, invented that waist accessory whilst listening to the Bow Bells. Now THAT is having little class, my friends. I scoff.

Suspenders. Because your dad can't beat you with them as well as the belt.

20 July, 2006

Lesson #4- Well-Parted Hair

Usually this requires an exorbitant amount of grease. Gel does not work because your hair becomes a shell on top of your head providing a nice "Gelmut", which you most definately do not want. It is nice to have a part in your hair which is immovable, but not harder than the candy shell of an M&M. When combing after applying the grease, a 2-handed comb method is preferred as you are able to move the most hair with the most force with each stroke. Imagine the Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzarelli combing his hair. He had the right moves, but the wrong style. DO NOT REPLICATE HIS STYLE. Class is not being a greaser. If it was, I'd assign "The Outsiders" as required reading. Luckily, it is not. So, read anything by Rudyard Kipling. That man knew how to party.

Different types of parts may be applied. There is the left side, the right side, and the center. I would recommend the center for people with curly hair, as you would look like Alfalfa when he got all cleaned up...and that makes me laugh. The side parts can only be used with people whose hair is long enough to do it. If you have black strait hair and a "toothbrush" moustache, please avoid from parting your hair at all. You may end up looking like Charlie Chaplin or Adolf Hitler. Many people are offended by this, present company included. Personally, I think Charlie Chaplin will burn in the fires of hell for all eternity. Try wearing a hat. Avoid antique 3rd Reich hats. They don't match.

Lesson #3- Sock Garters

While moustaches and boat shoes are still worn by many, the art of the sock garter has been long lost. Years ago, gentlemen never wore shorts out of the house, donning nice pleated pressed pants and their dress shoes. Underneath those were socks pulled as high as sin, and held there by a wonderful contraption. The sock garter. Near impossible to find in 2006, this accessory should be coveted and worshipped by seekers of high class. Nary will your socks fall below your ankles again with the suspender below your knee bender. I am constantly on the search for these, and if any sock garter salesmen trip upon this site, please do not hesitate to comment. I will buy out your stock, sock-garter salesman.

19 July, 2006

Lesson #2- Moustaches

Freddy Mercury had one. Generals in the Civil War had them. Combine the two and you have one rockin' sweet cranial accessory. The moustache. It can sometimes look as if it grows from your nose, or sprouts from the top of your lip. When people shave them, they're upper lips look huge. Often, many people are apprehensive about growing a moustache, and as a facial hair coinnesseur, let me say you shouldn't be. I don't really have much of a reason as to why not, but you should trust an expert.

-Dalí - Narrow, long points bent or curved steeply upward; areas past the corner of the mouth must be shaved. Artificial styling aids permitted. Dali had one.
-English - Narrow, beginning at the middle of the upper lip the whiskers are very long and pulled to the side, slightly curled; the ends are pointed slightly upward ; areas past the corner of the mouth must be shaved. Artificial styling aids permitted.
-Fu Manchu - long, downward pointing ends, generally beyond the chin, associated with my dad in the 70s
-Handlebar - bushy, with small upward pointing ends. cannot grip for safety.
-Imperial - whiskers growing from both the upper lip and cheeks, curled upward (distinct from the royale, or impériale)
-Moustachio or mustachio - large luxuriant moustache, with hair sometimes growing down the sides of the mouth. Also known as a Nosebeard.
-Pencil moustache- narrow, thin, closely clipped, outlining the upper lip, with a wide shaven gap between the nose and moustache. Also known as a Mouthbrow.
-Toothbrush - thick, but shaved except for about an inch (2.5 cm) in the center; associated with Adolf Hitler and Charlie Chaplin.
-Walrus - bushy, hanging down over the lips, often entirely covering the mouth.

18 July, 2006

Lesson #1- Boat Shoes

Boat shoes are funny only if you don't take yourself seriously and wear them in mocking. If you use the words "summer" to refer to a vacation you have worn your shoes correctly. Socks should never be worn with boat shoes. They can be worn with shorts and pants, but not jeans. Khakis, Linen, Seersucker all work with boat shoes. They look good if you wear them on a yacht. If wearing, must call mother "Muffy" or "Mumsey". Constantly mention how close you are to the Kennedys. Play alot of touch football in these boat shoes.

17 July, 2006


humdrum is a stupid phrase. let me apologize. i've already administered 14 lashings.

First Post

Hello friends!

First of all, let me preface this by stating my intent and reason. I am purely copying Eric Reckman's whole thing, which I can only presume was started out of hatred for Rupert Murdoch and Myspace.com. Thank you for bringing this to my attention Jared Rudolph. I am currently in Cleveland, Oh, interning for my uncle's advertising firm, which shall remain nameless to protect him. He has many enemies, all of which will read this blog.

I find it funny that Eric Spore is so against blogging. I hope he discovers these and becomes engulfed in a fit of rage. I trust that Mr. Friedman will tell him. Go Zach. Call him now.

In this blog, I will include pictures and ramblings from my humdrum life. If at anytime I get bored of it, I will deactivite it in a fit of rage. Thats just how I am. Here is a picture to start off.

This is a project my uncle gave me last friday. He asked me to take this baby picture of his friend and add stubble and a lit cigarette. The hard part was grafting another face filled with stubble on the baby's face, then making it all appear like one face, with smooth transitions. Adding the cigarette was easy. Much thanks to Senor Mitzmano who taught Gellman and I the fine art of Adobe Photoshop.