26 July, 2006

Lesson #8- Airplanes

Don’t act surprised drinks are free in first class.
Wear grey to avoid noticeable stains that may occur in-flight.
Make sure to buy a reputable magazine/newspaper preflight to loudly ruffle, annoying the person next to you. NY Times, WS Journal, The Economist will all do nicely. If a conversation is sparked with a fellow passenger, make sure you reference trips to other exotic places every chance you get. Speak to them like they’ve never traveled or been in a plane before. If they haven’t tell them about all the things that can possible go wrong in the plane, resulting in disaster. Send drinks back to the stewardesses or “flight attendants” often, and treat them like they are waitresses in an all-night rest stop diner on the outskirts of Mobile, AL.

Wait, this may be a post about how to be an asshole while traveling. Oh well, learn it well and use it anyway.

25 July, 2006

Lesson #7- Drinking

Always have a drink in hand. I’m talking mixed drink long-island-martini-gin-tonic-whiskey style. It should always be your second or third drink, leaving the first drink to be consumed before you arrive at the event, and if the first is not consumed, it ought to be thrown on the waiter that brought it. It doesn’t matter why, they’ll bring you another, which we’ll count as your second. You are never allowed to be sloppy drunk until you have retired; this is the benefit of the elderly.
Preferable drinks for men: Scotch, Bourbon, Martinis, Wine. Beer is only allowed on several conditions. 1. It must be imported. 2. It must be in a new glass, drinking from can or bottle is unacceptable. 3. It must be a small brand. The beer must be from a story of your travels, Heineken and Guinness are good examples of what not to drink.
Preferable drinks for women: Wine, Martinis, Margaritas (only in right climate-zone), Long-Island Iced Tea, Vodka Tonic, Gin Tonic. Wine coolers are strictly banned for a lack of class, and if ANY person ever orders a White Zinfandel, they should be shot on site. Of course, there are other drinks people may consume, such as the Mojito, or an Amaretto Sour, but these are usually reserved for occasions, which are excused.
If a female has any of the drinks listed for men, she is 1. Confused (sexually) 2. The owner of a dead palate 3. Hammered, which means she must be retired.

24 July, 2006

Lesson #6- Sporting: Part 1

Choosing which sport to indulge in can be very difficult. There are so many which require a certain amount of respectability to be able to participate. Polo, for instance must be played on horseback, and certainly not in a pool dirtied by your cousin's urine and that old guy who sits in the corner constantly applying SPF 65 to his leathery skin. Fencing ought to be considered in the top tiers of respectable sporting, given the historical amount of mustachioed fencers, and it is a lot, trust me. I myself have dabbled in fencing for several years and I am quite handy with an epee. Now that we are on the subject, there are 3 types of blades in fencing.
-Foil -– Usually has an ornate handle that is held like a pistol, called the pistol grip. A French grip is often just a straight handle under the bell guard. With the foil, the hit zone is the mid-body, with everything above the waist and below the neck, excluding arms.
-Epee -– The epee has a hit zone of every spot on the body, including the back, and the head. This is one reason it is my favourite. The epee is slightly more flexible of a blade, which can allow for whipping the tip upon an opponents hand over and under the bell guard.
-Sabre -– The sabre would be my least favorite and efficient mode of fencing. The hit zone includes everything above the waist. I dislike this weapon because of the style of attack. The sabre is a curved weapon, which is not conducive to thrust-stab, attacks like the foil and epee. With the sabre, slashing and cutting motions are preferred, creating entirely different styles of defense.